Wednesday, November 2, 2016

To have or not to have... A baby

For me, this is a question that is easy to answer. My answer is not to have a baby.

The only problem is that time and time again I experience that people do not understand why I don't want to have children. Why is that? IS it so hard to understand that a woman can enjoy her life or want a career and not have a baby. Why is it so hard to understand that I don't see myself as a mother.

Nearly every single time I have answered the question "When are you going to have children" with "never", I get a reply which implies that I am not a woman without children. Some of the replies I have received are, to me, just inconsiderate:
"Just wait till you're older, then you will change your mind", "well then you're probably not with the right man" and my personal favorites "how can you feel that your life is complete if you do not get a legacy" and "what about when you get old, and you do not have any children or grand children to care for you, maybe you will be all alone then"

I have to say that all these answers offended. I am 32 years old now and have been with my fiancé for 10 years. I am old enough to know what I want in life, and to say that I am not with the right man if I do not want children is just really offensive. Not just to me but to my fiancée too, because this suggests that he is not a man who could be a father, and trust me, I believe he would be a great father, just not to children with me. I AM complete without children, and I AM with the right man. I am 32 years old and I have been with my boyfriend since I was 20, and I can assure you that he is the one. I love him with all of my heart and he has known throughout the relationship that I do not want children and he doesn't have a problem with it. So why is it so important for other people to question my decision?

If every single woman who says she do not want to have children is asked these questions, then we also need to ask the men these questions, but we don't. No, because it is okay for a man not to want to have children, but for a woman it is outrageous, because this is the reason why she is on earth, to have children.

I feel that if I have to get these questions, then I should be able to ask a lot of questions to those who DO want children, why they want them, and won't they feel like their life will be ruined. But no I don't want to ask these questions, because I completely understand why someone want children. All I ask is that other people understand why it is okay, NOT to want to have children.

I have felt this way since I was a child. I have never had a dream about being a mother. Sure I had dreams, and I still do. Mine are just different than your dreams. Since I was a child I have dreamt about getting married, having a big career and owning my own shop. Those are still my dreams, and they have not changed through the years.

Now I only wish that people will respect other peoples choices and not feel like they need to question why we do what we do. Some people are meant to be parents and some are not. I LOVE my nieces and nephews and I believe I will be an amazing aunt and I know that my nieces and nephews love me and how I am. I believe that THAT is what I was meant to be - An amazing aunt who adores her nieces and nephews even though she doesn't have her own kids.

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Endometriosis - My story

First of all, I am sorry for all the spelling mistakes etc. in this story.

To start with I need to make it clear that this is ONLY my story, and that there are many women out there that have it much worse than me. On a day to day basis I can function in a job without any sick days because I am on the pill at a minimum of three months straight before I have my period. I chose this together with my doctor because we found out that by doing this I could have a full time job (37 hours), or I could go to school without any pain, since the pill, and sometimes pain medication, keep my endometriosis pains away. This is my story of how my road from no diagnosis to a endometriosis diagnosis was, and I need you all to know that I consider my case a mild case of endometriosis because there are many women around the world who have their pain a lot more often than me, and this disease needs to be more known among doctors, so the women do not have to go as long as I did before they get their diagnosis.

Since March is endometriosis awareness month I have decided to finally tell my store about my "disease". There are not many people who know the whole story, or even know I have this diagnosis, simply because I hate telling them everything because of the damn pity that shines through their eyes. I also hate trying to explain to them what it is about. Many do not understand my pain and believes that it is me who is overreacting, and this is a big reason why I do not tell anyone about it. My family, my boyfriends family and a select few of my friends know my story, and it is because of this that it has taken me so long to share my story. But maybe my story can help another girl who suffers from endometriosis and maybe get her to seek out a good doctor to get a diagnosis or to at least get her pain checked out. Maybe she does not have endometriosis, maybe she has something different or maybe she just suffers from regular pain during her period, who knows?

I can not tell you how it began because honestly I do not remember the precise year, but what I DO remember is that I have had my pain since I began my period, which started around the age of 12 if I remember correctly. For the first couple of years I thought that my pain was natural, but because it constantly made me exhausted I ended up visiting my doctor for help. All he said was that the pain was natural and I could always take some head ache pills (which of course did not help me with the pain). I began with those pills and started to live with the pain and soon realized that I just had to live with being exhausted around my period and sometimes other days of the month.

I began to live with the thought of thinking before I just said yes to hanging out with friends because I KNEW that if it were around that time of the month I could not cope with noise or many people in my head. I just had to have some peace and quite and be able to relax and not be bothered too much.

What I recall is that my family always supported me. Of course my mother could not understand my pain either but since my doctor told us that it was normal pain and he could not do anything about it, then we did not do much more about it. I finally turned 18 and moved out and also got a new doctor so I did not have to travel 25 km to visit my doctor. Instead I got a doctor in the new town I lived in. I complained to him about my pains and he gave me some stronger pills but that was the end of it once again. I began to stay home sometimes through both public school and high school because I could not cope with anything other than just being home and do nothing.

When I graduated high school I was 21 years old and had a boyfriend who lived close to 300km from me so I decided to move down to where he lived, since I was already going to move out of town because of the education I chose. Of course this resulted yet again in a change of doctors, which I could not be more happy about because now things started to happen.

I was happy with my boyfriend but it did not take long before things began to be hard for me. I started experiencing pain during intercourse (this had happened to me nearly everytime I had sex before this but I did not think much about it). I started thinking that maybe it was not just because of the size of the man but maybe something completely different. I started thinking about cancer and everything else that could be wrong in my abdomen. My mother had much of her abdomen removed and I knew about this, so I started thinking that maybe something was wrong with mine too, and I visited my new doctor and told him about the pain during sex. He instantly started asking me all kinds of questions and one of them was if I experienced pain during my period. I was now about 21-22 years old.

My doctor told me that he had a feeling that I could be suffering from endometriosis and asked me if I knew about it. Of course I did not know anything about it, and he told me a little bit about it and referred me to the hospital where they would be doing a scan of my abdomen to see if there was any endometriosis. He then told me that if I wanted to have any children now would be the time because statistics showed that from the age of 25 and up it would become more hard to conceive. I have never had a specific wish to have children but since I now had a boyfriend, whom I had been with for 5 years I now had to talk with him because he needed to find out if he wanted to be with me and risk the chance of not getting children or part with me because he wanted children. There could always be a chance of me changing my mind about not having children therefore I felt that I needed to talk with him about it even though he knew children were not something I wanted.

The day came where I went and they scanned me, but they could not see anything and I instantly thought that I was set back to square one. Instead they told me that sometimes there could be endometriosis even though it could not be seen on a scan and they told me that they could go forth with a laparoscopy and asked me if it was something I would consider. Of course I said yes because I needed to find out where all my pain came from and I had now had this for over 10 years without anyone doing anything to help me.

I got the laparoscopy and there the doctors found endometriosis. They had removed the endometriosis and some cysts that had been in my abdomen, but they also told me that it would most likely return (but I knew this already because I was told this before I accepted the operation). The pain became better and could be held down with strong pills. When the final diagnosis came and I had a name for my pain I was 25 years old and had been living with my pain for the half part of my life. I do not with this for anyone else. It was hell to live with the pain and not knowing if it was me who were overreacting or if I had a disease I did not know about.

Even though this was a disease and they removed the endometriosis I was way beyond happy and thrilled to have this disease. Do not get me wrong, I quite often (nearly always) absolutely HATE this disease but now I had a name for my pain, I knew what could be done and what was ahead of me. Since I got my diagnosis I have been happy and peace in my mind, because I no longer live in the unknown. I have a disease but I am so much more than my diagnosis. There are days where I have to stay in bed because the pain is too much and I can not do anything but curl in to a fetus position, but then there are the happier days where I do not have any pain and I can make all the plans with my friends that I want.

During the time where the doctors tried to find out what was wrong with me I had a work. I worked 37 hours a week, often more, but occasionally I called in sick (during my period). It needs to be said that I only have my period every third month, sometimes even less, because when I am on the pill I do not experience so much pain, that I can not function at work. My boss often laughed at me when I called in sick, which I found very humiliating because it was not something I chose, but I knew that if I ended up at work I would not be worth much because of the pain. This resulted in me showing up to work even though I was in severe pain with a boss who did not understand me, thought I was lying and tried to lie to me and tell me that it was not because of me calling in sick that he was laughing but because his girlfriend was there when i did. This I know is not true because it happened nearly every time I called in sick. These experiences was horrific to me because I felt I HAD TO show up at work even though I was in severe pain, and had a boss who did not give a shit.

I am truly happy with my life, even though I am 31 and do not have any children. I love my boyfriend and I believe that we can still be happy without children. My point on having children have not changed, so maybe someone will say that I am lucky I do not want them so I do not experience the loss and grief of not being able to conceive, but that is just not true. I also live with the thought that IF I DO change my mind the next year or two then my chances are VERY slim and that is not a happy thought to have. I choose to live my life and not think about that too much. I can always get a dog :) Which I truly want and I will get that dog one day :-D But to end it all on a happy note, I try to live my life to the fullest so I will not have any regrets when it is over.

This post became a lot longer than I thought it would but I hope some of you read it all the way through and I hope my story can help some of you who suffers from pain. Just remember that your life moves on and you do not have to let the diagnosis control your life. You have to try to live your own life even though it can be truly hard sometimes.


It is said that 4-7 % of all women have this illness. The diagnose is very hard to make. It is a serious illness that can lead to infertility and can cause great pain before/during/after menstruation. Here is some of the symptoms of Endo (taken from

Pain may be felt:
  • before/during/after menstruation
  • during ovulation
  • in the bowel during menstruation
  • when passing urine
  • during or after sexual intercourse
  • in the lower back region
  • Other symptoms may include:
    • diarrhoea or constipation (in particular in connection with menstruation)
    • abdominal bloating (in particular in connection with menstruation)
    • heavy or irregular bleeding
    • fatigue
    The other well known symptom associated with endometriosis is infertility. It is estimated that 30-40% of women with endometriosis are subfertile 

Monday, November 2, 2015

More Than Enough By Jay McLean out November 16

Series: More Than Series #5
Release Date:  November 16, 2015

There’s no emotion greater than fear.
No ache greater than grief.
No sound greater than silence.
I’m grateful he showed up on my doorstep,
pissed off and angry at the world.
If he hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here.
And I don’t just mean here on this journey with him.
I mean here, in this world.
I wonder what events in all our lives—hers included—are The Turning Points? The points where we all determine that the fear of our pasts and the uncertainty of our futures are greater than our need for happiness.
While time and everything around us stands unmoving… who’s to say we can’t have it all?
We wanted it all.
We wanted it with each other.
We thrived on the chaos we created.
And ignored the Mayhem that ensued.
Because falling in love was easy.
But sometimes, love isn’t enough.

More Than This (Bk 1) -
More Than Her (Bk 2) -
More Than Him (Bk 3) -
More Than Forever (Bk 4) -

Jay is an avid reader, writer, and most of all, procrastinator. When she's not doing any of those things, she can be found running after her two little boys, or devouring some tacky reality TV show.

She writes what she loves to read, which are books that can make her laugh, make her smile, make her hurt, and make her feel.

For publishing rights (Foreign & Domestic) Film, or television, please contact her agent, Erica Spellman-Silverman, at Trident Media Group.

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Friday, October 23, 2015

FINALLY! Adele is back - Hello

Adele is finally back with a new song and a new video for the song. The song is called "hello" and it is just as amazing as the rest of her songs.

She is just so strong in Ballads, and I could not be anymore happier since this is one of my favorite categories if the voice is just as great. Anyway here is the video for "Hello", and I hope you like the song and video just as much as I do, hurry and pick up the song now.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Last Heartbreak by H.M. Ward and Melanie Bussière out March 7th 2016

I am a BIIIG fan of H.M. Ward's books, and therefore I have to introduce you all to one of her next books called "Last Heartbreak"

COMING MARCH 7th, 2016


When a hot guy with blazing blue eyes and a sexy smirk saves my ass and covers up my sins, I know I'm screwed. He's poor, and is probably deprived like every other ass I've attracted recently.
I admit it. I'm a moron magnet. If the guy's a dick, then he sweeps me off my feet and promptly stabs me in the back. Billionaires are all the same. I've fallen for loser after loser, which earned me the classy reputation of being easy. I'm easy on the eyes, easy to bed.
But no one knows the truth, no one knows the events that forced me onto the ledge of that elite NYC hotel--no one except that strapped, hot waiter.
Now I have to figure out if he's an ally or an enemy. I need a friend, a real one, and not some jerk who's after my money or my name. But if I make the wrong choice, it'll destroy me.
The ledge high above the city was only the beginning. No one can help me now. I'm on my own.
Genre: New Adult Contemporary Romance
Type: Novel

H.M. Ward continues to reign as a New York Times & USA Today bestselling author who has sold more than 10 million copies since her debut in 2011, placing her among the literary titans. Ward has been featured in articles in the New York Times, Forbes and USA Today to name a few.

This Canadian writer will release her debut novel, LAST HEARTBREAK, in conjunction with H.M. Ward in 2016. Melanie is currently working on several New Adult Contemporary Romance titles and more co-authored titles. This writer has been called a free spirit, boisterous, daring, with her feet barely touching the ground. Her husband and two sons encourage her in all her crazy projects, always dreaming bigger, better, and louder.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Divergent - I'm a fan

Last week I finally got to see the movie "Divergent", and I must say that I really loved it. The movie was SO much better than I thought it would be. I had not read the books, so I only knew what I had learned from the trailers.

The movie trailers drew me in, but in the beginning I kind of thought that it was too much like "Hunger Games", but after I saw the movie I can finally say that they are nothing alike. Yes, the "population" is divided kind of like in The Hunger Games, but I would say that the similarities stops there.

We follow Tris (a Divergent) who - when she is 16 years old - are to choose which faction she want to live for the rest of her life. She chooses Dauntless, and meet Four, who she falls in love with and together they are going to war together.

The movie is breathtaking with funny lines and a lot of highly anticipated romance. Will they be together or not.

The cast is also really amazing and they fit together so perfectly in the movie, and there is nobody that I would say that do not fit in it, and that is always a big plus, when you watch a movie.

After I had seen the movie I decided to read the books, and I loved them too. There is definitely some thing I would change in the second and third book, but I understand Veronica Roth completely with how the books are turning out to be - whether you like the ending or not. I am not a big fan of the ending because I think there still is some unfinished business between Tris and Four - after my opinion - that I would like to have read, but she did a great job.

Next month is her release of the books from Four's point of view. I have read the transfer and the knife scene and both of those are great - I MIGHT even say that they are just a tine bit better than the original Divergent series, but that is probably because I love reading books from the guy's point of view, because every book you can read - nearly everyone - is from the girls point of view, so it is great to read it from the other side sometimes.

This is definitely a movie AND books that I would highly recommend you to watch and read - especially if you loved the hunger games, the host and Twilight, since the romance etc. are pretty close to this story.

Good luck with it, while we are all waiting for "Insurgent" and last "Allegiant".

Monday, June 2, 2014 - I love it!

I am slightly addicted to . It is a great place to find books to read, upcoming books and of course authors. I am doing a reading challenge where I have sat a goal for me to read 150 books this year. Luckily I am closer than I thought I would be at this point. I have now read over 100 books, and I am confident I will reach my goal before time, even though my classes at the University stars in september.

You can of course update your reading status and which books you have now read and added to your "collection".

            Goodreads: Book reviews, recommendations, and discussion



      2014 Reading Challenge

          2014 Reading Challenge

        Mie has
             read 105 books toward her goal of 150 books.



        105 of 150 (70%)

          view books